Hello!

My name is Katie Rae. Follow my journey to rediscover joy.

I remember a time when my joy came from spending time with friends, making art, being at the beach or in the woods, walking around outside looking for bald eagles and singing karaoke. During those days, a dark time was often on the horizon as depression and I have played hide and seek for as long as I can remember. I’m grateful that it hasn’t landed me in the hospital, but I can say without a doubt, it’s God’s grace, not because of my choices.

This may be a bummer of a way to introduce myself, but seeking joy is teaching me that I must be vulnerable to find my people. Having a community who know, love, and see me has saved me from myself every time.  There have always been friends, Bible study groups, and amazing family that have held my hand through the garbage or into the next seasons of life. The Holy Spirit, above all, reminds me who I am in Christ. Without that small, still voice, I don’t like to think of the alternative paths this journey could have taken. 

In October 2023, while teaching 4th grade, anxiety had gripped me so tightly that getting up in the morning to start my routine felt like the beginning of the end, every day. One morning, sitting in the parking lot before school, as my hands began going numb and my heart felt like it would beat out of my body, I had to call on a colleague and friend to come talk me down. Panic attacks like this only happened a few times, but if you’ve ever had one, you know exactly what I mean: it felt like the end. 

It wasn’t long after that attack that the circumstances in the classroom, along with the preexisting panic, had me backed into a corner of which I couldn’t see a way out. Typing this now, 19 months later, a sharp pang hits my chest just thinking about those days. I took medical leave for 12 weeks and, at my doctor’s orders, spent much of that time doing nothing but sleeping, taking my dog for daily walks and making sure I ate. The first 8 weeks or so were full of tears and prayer and seeking God’s voice. I had no idea how to move forward and couldn’t imagine going back. 

By the end of those 12 weeks, I had decided to resign from my job, walking away from my district of over 7 years and a career I had been building for almost 20. I knew I had to focus on improving my spiritual and mental health. It didn’t feel like much of a choice.

The next year and a half were (and still are) incredibly risky by our material culture’s perspective. Paying the bills is hard every month. But letting go of the control I thought I had also tossed out the illusion that I alone could change our circumstances by getting myself so tangled up in schedules, calendars and appointments that there was no time left to think. Or more importantly, time to pray. And forget about making time to actually HEAR FROM GOD! During those years, trying to keep up with a 50+ hour work week, raise 3 kids, stay married and strive to be happy, my prayer life sounded more like me begging God to get me through to the next thing without collapsing. And He did, until I couldn’t. 

I plan to write a lot more about these last months and years and some of what I’ve learned or tried to unlearn. It has taken me this long to feel like digging back in time to process this publicly. But for now, I’m creating again. My first art studio tour is this weekend and I am so excited to talk to people and maybe share some light.